i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
