It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
