Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
