She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
