I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
