Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
