i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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