Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
