apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
there is glitter all over my balls
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
