I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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