I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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