It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
