don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
