So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
We talked him into tasing himself.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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