Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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