Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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