I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
