I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
