shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
