I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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