My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
