hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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