I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
