and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
