he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
