he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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