you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
