I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
