Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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