how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
