Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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