My underwear smells like fireworks.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
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