Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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