so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
