Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
