Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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