The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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