Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
