we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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