plz talk dirty to me
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
