It's Friday. Sex?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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