Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
