I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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