I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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