I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
