sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
