Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
