The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
