Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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