I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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